A regular morning of a person suffering from Connective Tissue Disorder

Surfacing from a nightmarish dream for a hundredth fraction of a second, I submerged deep into another, seamlessly. Senseless images kept moving across in a blur. Images that were not even connected with each other in any way. They meant absolutely nothing. And I had no control to any degree, over myself and over the proceedings, that I could try to decipher them or even stop them.

Somewhere during this unending live stream, I am jolted up by my alarm. Sometimes by wife or son shaking me, trying to wake me up. For I had been talking in my sleep rather babbling like a child.

I shift myself upwards on my elbows to prop against the head end of the bed. Trying to make sense of the time, place, person and thing. For in those moments I had none.

Once I had gathered my bearings I try to get up. Gingerly so as not to aggravate the pain in my knees. Arms feel weak as if paralysed in the shoulders. With efforts I plant my palms on the nearest wall and wait for the room to stop spinning around me. Vertigo and postural hypotension have been a part of life since long. In varying intensities.

Walking in a a half daze and half wakefulness reach the kitchen. And lean against the vacant wall to wait for the fasciculations in the thigh and arms to die down. Then comes tea. Sometimes I make it myself, if it’s the alarm that wakes me up. Other times someone else makes it for me. It varies for everyday is different.

Settling on the couch in the living room I sip the tea, hoping to force all my senses to wake up. It’s an enormous effort, which those not suffering from autoimmune illnesses will ever understand. However hard they may try.

Sometimes I doze off on the couch for a few minutes. Sometimes I have the energy to complete the morning rituals in a jiffy. But most of the times, taking a bath is a task. Need to take many pit stops before completing the laps of cleaning every part thoroughly. The damaged lungs heave and cry. For they can’t cope with the simplest activity of taking bath. Then comes the getting ready part. And after that more rest. As by that time, moving even a single muscle is a task. Somedays even brushing teeth is a task. Need to do it sitting somewhere. A stool, a chair or leaning against a wall. Taking pauses.

There are days when I can’t go through any of the above. Have my breakfast, somehow swallow a multiple pills and end up in the bed to staring at the ceiling. Waiting for the intense waves of fatigue to pass away.

©️ShashikantDudhgaonkar

P.S: SLE, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Myositis, Sjögren’s Syndrome are some of the names of connective tissue disorders. They are collectively called as Connective Tissue Disorders. They have different presentations, causes and symptoms. But most of them have fatigue as a primary element.. A fatigue that is many times severe than the fatigue due over exertion or viral illnesses. It’s an indolent fatigue that just refuses to go away. Whatever one may do. In the end, becoming an integral part of life.

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